Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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