I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
