I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
