I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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