I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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