I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
