I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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