Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
