She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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