I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
