I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
