I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
