Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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