I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
should my penis look like a turkey
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
