What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
