im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
