where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize