I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
