I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize