someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
