I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
