I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I wear drunk well.
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