You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
