Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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