That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
