haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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