I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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