singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
