go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm sobbing to NWA
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
