Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize