I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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