Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
