This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point đź’ś
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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