I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
