Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
