I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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