it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
