I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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