did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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