when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I smell stomach acid.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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