Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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