she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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