Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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