Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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