So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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