My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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