My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
