I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
