Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
