I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
