I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Is it penis luge time yet?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Randomize
