There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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