There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
