i think i have two assholes
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
