who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
