Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Four minutes until I can fart!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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