Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
