she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
