I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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