im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
